There really are moments that I feel like I am watching someone else’s life.
Especially when it comes to being a mother.
A word… position… idea… responsibility… blessing in life… that I never imagined would mean the things it means today. And a gift that I always imagined would just happen like it does in the movies.
I’m biting my lip, but I have to say I wouldn’t change a thing. The way life has unfolded, is the way it was always meant to be. It’s extremely difficult to admit, and accept, but if you watched our rainbow child, our youngest son, you might understand.
It is as if he was divinely designed to be our rainbow after the storm.
It brings me to tears.
I watched my son out in the backyard yesterday evening. He was peeking through our fence into the neighbor’s yard, where we could hear a few kids playing. He stared with anticipation and excitement. He wanted to be a part of their play.
A few moments later they came over the fence and started playing with him through the fence.
His happiness shot up about 10 levels, as he would come back and ‘report’ to me what they were doing.
It was bittersweet.
I never dreamed I would have moments like this as a mother. Filled with so much sadness for this little guy who would have loved his sister’s companionship.
I also never dreamed a child could teach me more about life and what really matters than you could ever teach them.
I never realized some mothers carry their children in their heart, and visit the grave because their rooms are empty.
And that there are moments that you will do anything, anything to feel close to them again.
I never imagined I would be taking my daughter’s shoes she never wore out of storage to get that closeness my heart longs for.
Or that I would become a football fan overnight to bond with my son, who is beyond fascinated with all things sports.
Or that I would cry at the sound of her heartbeat at 12 weeks.
Or that motherhood could make Heaven sweeter than it already is.
I have to say a part of your innocence is gone when you mother, not only a living child but a grave too. You realize that there is hurting world, especially on Mother’s Day.
I find it deeply comforting that a dear friend, Carly, established an international holiday to honor these mothers, who hold their children in their heart. This beautiful day is called International Bereaved Mother’s Day, held one Sunday before the official Mother’s Day.
I never thought Mother’s Day could be anything but beautiful. For some it is a devastating reminder of what could have been. If you know someone who has lost a child, you might consider sending her a flower on May 6, 2012.
Whether our children are in our arms or in Heaven, gaining that recognition of motherhood is monumental.
Fran is a Writer, Designer, and Inspiration.
Almost three years ago we lost our firstborn child.
It rocked our world to the core, and my faith became something I had to figure out all over again.