I’ve been thinking a lot lately of how we, as women, handle our emotions. Am I the only one who tends to put the ‘hard-stuff’ on the back burner in my brain, so that I can conserve my emotional energy enough to function? I would guess that a lot of us do that, and when you least expect it, these emotions that you haven’t dealt with take center stage and by that point- we are completely out. of. control. I had a pretty recent experience with this. As some of you may know, my dream of becoming a Mother became a reality 8 weeks ago when my husband and I adopted a precious little girl (yay!!!! details to come in another post). Since adopting our sweet baby girl, people have often asked me- Doesn’t she just fill up that empty space in your heart? My answer: Yes, she soothes my aching heart and does fill up a large portion of that hole. She is my everything! However, no child can ever completely fill the hole in my heart left as the result of my son’s death. In so many ways, more than I can possibly list, our daughter has lifted my spirits and brightened my life, but with a living child there are many reminders of what you have missed out on with your Angel child. The few days following our daughters birth and having her in our arms brought back so many emotions that I hadn’t properly dealt with in connection with my son’s passing. I don’t think, myself being a first time Mother really grasped the amount of time I DIDN’T get to spend with my son. The baths, bottles, morning smiles, diaper changes, story time, kisses, cries and everything that goes along with a newborn baby. As I sat in our daughter’s nursery that was my son’s prior, I sat and rocked her, staring at her in awe and touching her chubby cheeks and I cried. I cried like a real baby and honestly, it felt good. I didn’t give myself the “okay” to grieve those losses before they became a reality. Looking back to my son’s passing, I feel like I just jumped up and pushed the real tough stuff to the back of my mind so I could continue to function- to be a good employee, sister, daughter, wife, and…mother. I think we have all done this once or twice in our lives. We tend to go into survival-mode when the hard stuff comes up. I know its completely normal to do this, but can you imagine what life might be like if we took each day in stride and dealt with what we were given in that moment? Maybe a bad day here and there could prevent a breakdown? I don’t know, but I’m going to try. I know for me, it’s about time that I deal with things as they come and to be real with myself about what I am feeling in the here and now.
In the here and now
August 6, 2013 By 1 Comment