“Some believe that it is only GREAT POWER that can hold evil at bay. But that is not what I have found. I have found it is the small things. Everyday deeds, by ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay” – Gandolf
This world is a funny place.
So much darkness and evil.
And then there is soooo much good.
My head has been a jumbled mess of thoughts lately. So many thoughts just swimming around patiently waiting for their turn to have a voice. The problem…. there were no words coming out. I was silent. I was in hiding from the cruel world. Thinking that acting small would do the trick and heal my sensitive little soul. And then I woke up and MY voice was like a caged animal waiting for the door to open to freedom. That door is open and my voice is loud and clear tonight. LOUD and unbelievably CLEAR.
Sometimes in life we lose ourselves. We forget who we are and where we are going. We lose our voice to the loud and distracting world around us. The world tells us to do this or be that. It says you can’t have a voice unless it is their voice. It tells you who you can and can’t be. It tells you that having more still makes you less and having less makes you a nothing. It tells you that God is a joke. It tells you mommyhood is being brainwashed and naive. The world tells you to live life waiting for that golden ticket to arrive. The world says you won’t be happy until you have ARRIVED only to move the finish line of success just out of your reach again. The world feeds you full of big and ugly lies. The world tells you “When you get what you want you will be happy” and that my friends is the biggest lie on the planet.
How often do we live our lives with this in mind? If I lose 10 pounds I will be happy. If I have a bigger house I will be happy. If I made more money I would be happy. If I forget God and all his rules, I will be happy. Only to find out that when you get there, there is NO THERE, there? It is never good enough. And happiness is the last thing you feel and you just find yourself wanting more. I have felt this way in my own life with all kinds of things. Heck, I feel that way about having a blog. It’s like trying to keep up with the Joneses in cyber world. It’s tiring and it’s ridiculous.
And my voice is shouting enough is enough.
My voice is screaming at me to make a change. Screaming at me to find my “there”. My voice is letting me know that this change cannot happen by hoping and wishing and waiting. It is by doing and being and creating. My voice is so loud that it has awoken a sleeping giant. One that has been asleep for far too long.
This is me on a mission to create a life of purpose.
No more just existing. No more waiting for a change. No more feeling validated and worthy by the superficial things of the world.
This is me telling the world to shut up. This is me throwing a big ol’ match on a gas soaked pile of unnecessary crap, that is full of comparison, the so called golden ticket that never paid off and living by the boundaries the world has set for me. This is me watching it all burn. And with that raging fire I AM emerging unscathed and strong. I’m tired of being silent because someone might not like what I have to say. I’m tired of trying to find a false sense of happiness through what the world says happiness is. I’m tired of people veiling their cruelty as criticism. I have worked dang hard to find me after ED and guess what I LOVE the girl I found in the ashes.
I haven’t talked much about God here on Smitten (I think it is high time I did) because I didn’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable or excluded. But I woke up today and God is what I want to talk about. I was in a slump my friends. I felt like I was on a merry go round, just going round and round trying to find my “there” only to feel little and always falling short. It was exhausting and disorienting. I wasn’t sure what I was doing or why I was doing it. I just didn’t realize the answer was right in front of me. It was all right in front of me but I was so distracted by what I thought my answer was. I was being drawn to other things that I thought would make me happy, instead of following my heart and the things I love most.
I over think things and in my over thinking I miss the still quiet voice that is whispering…Kallie be still and listen. Listen to your heart. Listen to your passions. Your passions will lead you into your purpose. Listen to me. I am the answer. In my recent silence I have found the time to listen. The more I listened the louder it got and as it got louder my purpose became bright and full of fire. God speaks to us in the quiet. To our soul. We just have to drown out the chaos around us and listen.
A week ago I talked to a group of teenage girls about body image and changing our perceptions of ourselves. As I talked a little piece of my broken self healed. There was a “there” there. I felt it. And I felt God. He was there cheering me on letting me know I was starting to see the bigger picture. HIS bigger picture. On my way home, as I was thinking about the night, I listened and God whispered your purpose is to serve.
Just yesterday I was folding clothes thinking about where all the time had gone with my kiddos. They are getting so big and so fast. My 2 year old came in crying because his brother had hit him. I hugged him, kissed his owie and then began to list all the reasons I love him as my fingers crawled up to tickle him. He smiled and laughed. And there in that tender moment God whispered your purpose is to love with all your heart.
I got an email yesterday from the people I am renting a house from for the BRAVE Retreat saying they were waiving the cleaning fee because it was for a good cause. I cried. It was an answer to my prayers. In that moment of joy God whispered your purpose is to be generous and giving.
There is a young girl who I met when I talked to one of the teenage girl groups. I have been talking to her a lot through email. She reminds me of me when I was her age. Trying so hard to fit in and find her place in this big world. She just needs someone to listen to her and take the time to understand her and why she does the things she does. But she also needs someone to let her know that what she is feeling is real. She tells me thank you for listening to her and I smile to myself. To me, listening to someone is such a small thing I can do. And while I am listening to her God whispers your purpose is to listen and have compassion.
As I laid in bed last night thinking about my day. Pondering a situation in my life, wondering what I did wrong and how I could of done things to create a different outcome. I was nit picking myself and there in the quiet I heard it…God whispering your purpose here is to learn and forgive. Yourself included.
And in that moment I gave thanks for His reminder and he whispered again…Your purpose is to have gratitude.
I have been feeling small, ordinary and insignificant the last little while. Thinking that my voice isn’t doing any good and wondering what is the point. But also feeling torn because I felt like they were things God wanted me to do. I became angry with God and then I heard it his soft whisper saying “Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.” Alma Chapter 37 verse 6. And I realize that my purpose is to have faith in HIM and that through him I will never be small.
God is there.
He is real.
He is your answer.
Through him you find your purpose and through your purpose you find your “there” and when you find your “there” you find your happiness that has been waiting for you all along.
He is your answer in all things. He is.